PCT Day 50 – Decision Day

Yesterday Bob, who I trust implicitly because of his hiking knowledge and backwoods decision-making experience, went over all the options before us. I went to bed with a clear idea of what I had to do. It was time to wrap up this year’s hike.

Water in the desert

I don’t like the uncertainty around water supplies south of Cottonwood. People will disagree with me about the availability and abundance of water. I have read the hiker comments on Far Out (the hiking nav/trail info app), the PCT water reports and the PCT trail angel web sites on Facebook. None of these resources has given me the confidence to go south at this time in this year. Other hikers may still go through and be fine. If I REALLY set my mind to it, I could go through, carrying as much water as I had to erase all uncertainty. I don’t want to have that kind of hike.

Snow in the Sierras

There is snow forecast for three days this weekend in the areas between Kearsarge Pass and south of Cottonwood Pass. Corresponding temperatures will be in the 20’s at night. I am not really set up for this kind of hiking. My equipment and clothing are not right and my pack is not big enough to easily pick up different gear and clothing. And frankly, I would not enjoy it. I like to be warm. I could wait out the cold spell in town, but if the desert issues still await after that, I might as well stop now.

My heart is not in it

Two things weigh on my mind. I am not enjoying the hiking as much as I did when I started. Enjoyment comes and goes on the trail. You can’t pay too much attention to it on a daily basis. But when the feeling persists, you should evaluate it. An enormous amount of time, commitment and money is required to start a thru-hike and keep it going. Having made those investments, you had better be sure that you really want to end your plan prematurely. Before you make further investments, you should make sure you want to continue.

Second, the weather has been awful in Florida. We have had so much rain this summer that our barns are all flooded. My new workshop, to which we just added electrical service, is under water too. Patti is dealing with this fine. She doesn’t need me to come “rescue” her. But I do wish I could be there helping out.

Do what you want

There are things at home I want to do. Most of you know me as only a hiker. But I am not out here because my real life sucks. My real life is wonderful.

I was drawn to thru-hiking because it had an epic feel to it. It is one of the reasons I write every day about my experience – because I want to capture this epic journey for myself and others. I am happy that others have enjoyed my writing.

If I return to the PCT next year to continue, the epic story will go on. If I never return, I will not be poorer. My life will not be less. I will not be diminished.

No regrets

I have regrets. Everyone does. But regrets are generally born from making a bad choice. Here I am using the best information I have at the time and being honest with myself about what I want to do. I am choosing between two good things: trail life and normal life.

Patti thinks I am like Dorothy in the Wizard of Oz. Having ventured into an extraordinary adventure, I finally conclude that there is “no place like home.” She may be right.

In any event, I am bagging the hiking for this year. There will be more hiking in the future, for sure. But this Florida boy is going back home to do the things I love there: be with Patti, take care of animals, spend time with friends, worship at my parish, brew some beer, fish, go to basketball games and just sit on the porch and watch the sky turn colors.

What I will miss

A long hike is an adventure. Danger, bliss, uncertainty, love, hardship, surprise, boredom and gratitude are all part of it. I will miss that.

Our associations in life are created by the choices we make: my home, my workplace, my church, my interests. Many of our most significant associations are with people. The trail is another way of sorting people. If you like people, as I do, you welcome this opportunity to make new connections. Occasionally these connections become friendships. And what could be better than that. But the trail ends and we all go home. These people I will miss.

There is beauty all around us. Hiking immerse us in the beauty of nature. You have all seen the photos. But imagine the full experience: the sounds, smells, and sensations that go with every photo and you can start to appreciate how intoxicating hiking can become. I will miss this.

There are moments of true isolation. There is no one around, maybe for miles. Your phone doesn’t work. And you don’t know when you may see another soul. You are by yourself completely. Your desire for this moment and your enjoyment of it will vary. But everyone should experience it. I will miss this.

The legacy

There is a woman sitting in her home thinking about her children who have grown and moved out of her house. They have their own lives now. They don’t occupy her time the way they used to. She misses them, but she is happy for them too.

There is a man who grew up in a large family. Each Christmas all his brothers and sisters would gather at their parents house with all the grandkids. It was a grand time. But when the parents died the kids grew apart and the gatherings stopped. He misses those days, but he cherishes the memories.

There is a woman who spent her life working as a florist. She loved flowers and she loved how flowers could bring joy to her customers. Retired now, she still makes an occasional arrangement but mostly for herself. She looks at flowers and thinks about her old customers.

There is a man who manages a grocery store. He calls two stock boys into the office because he has learned that they damaged a light pole in the store parking lot doing donuts with their cars in the early morning. He decides to let them off with a warning because they remind him of himself at that age. As the boys leave the office, he remembers how hard it was to raise a family on small wages and the stupid decisions he made that only compounded the problem. But he also remembers how happy he was, despite all that.

There is a man who decided to go on an adventure after he retired. He picked a long distance hike because he loved nature and hiking. He experience things he never expected: joy, loneliness, friendship, anxiety, bliss. He returned home to his predictable, but happy life. But at times, in quiet moments, he thinks about the trail. The emotions come back all at once – a complex and conflicting mixture. He smiles, and then he goes out to the barn to start feeding animals.

The people in the vignettes above all share similar feelings. The last one describes me. And whether I go back to the PCT or not, I am so much richer for having gone.

Gratitude

Thank you for all your kind words of encouragement and humor. They really did give me hope and cheer. Some of you I will see soon; others never. But I will cherish all of you to the end of my days. Yes, even you Gator fans. Vaya con Dios.

Doolittle